stayed home from school today because i was feeling tres sick still...i guess i feel better now. the doctor gave me steroids to make my glands...unswell (is that a word? i mean the opposite of swelling), and they aren't working yet, maybe they need some more time.
don't worry everyone, i wont be turning into a man anytime soon. the doses arent strong enough, unfortunety. you can be all freudian and call it penis envy if you want but i personally think it would be fucking awesome to wake up and have a cock for a day. it would have to be a fairly substantial sized one too, otherwise it wouldn't be worth it.
i just divulged waaay too much of my fantasy life.....
im kind of frustrated, and NO not sexually (although yes, i sort of am), but in this instance my frustration is aimed at one person. and im not trying to be melodramatic, seriously- i'm trying this new thing called "un-melodramatic Julianna" because i realize that my theatrics are often unnecessary and have screwed things up for me in the past. But its just this one guy...and its kind of complicated because we were good friends, which led to some fuck buddyish activities, but then he left and now im getting crazy mixed signals from him. sometimes he's just plain outright about it...saying things that are blatantly sexual, or being obvious about how he misses me and wants me to come visit him etc....and then other times he's completely and utterly cold and gives short noncommital answers. and i dont know if i should be wasting my time on him...because i have no clue when i am going to see him again, and because i know i should move on since its a long distance thing, and lets be honest...those never work....because to me the whole point of a relationship is being able to be physically and tangibly WITH that person....
but then at other times i want him so badly...and i miss him...and i miss having someone to lie next to and someone to embrace....and yes, someone to be sexual with, but also on a more emotional level, someone to "be with" (even though we didnt technically date).
i think i just need to get really smashed and have some random drunk hook-ups.
the sleeping pills are kicking in, so i'm off to bed.